i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize