I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
