I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
