So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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