Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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