it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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