she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
