Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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