How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
