I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
