my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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