you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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