he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize