Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
