So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
