i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
