So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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