When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
