went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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