Fine. I'll sleep in my office
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
