oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
