I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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