Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
BRING THE BAGELS
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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