i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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