I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
