i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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