i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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