I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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