oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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