the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
