I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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