Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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