i need an iv and a liver transplant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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