I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
