Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
