Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
