i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
