Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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