I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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