I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
