I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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