"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize