in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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