I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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