omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
