At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
