dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
