I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
