If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
