god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
