She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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