i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
