There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
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just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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