P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
