If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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