Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
