Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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